NOTICE OF RETURN TO THE UNITED KINGDOM
Issued in solemn warning on the (insert date)________________
That______(Insert Name)___________________________will be heading Home:
Dear, …….. ……..
Very soon the above mentioned will once again be in your company, Radioactive, dehydrated, and demoralised. To take his place once more as a human being with freedom and justice for all, and once again be engaged in life and liberty and somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.
In joyous preparations to welcome him into the social circle, you must remember to make allowance for the crude environment which has been his ‘lot’ for 7 months. In a word he may be a little Asiatic, suffering from sweatitis or a little too much ‘Yam Seng’. Show no alarm if he prefers to squat on his haunches instead of sitting on a chair, insists on removing his shoes before entering the house, or that he has a tendency to bow when meeting or saying goodbye to someone. Remain calm when he pours gravy on his dessert or mixes peaches and mashed potatoes. Don’t worry when he insists on using chopsticks to consume his soup. Be tolerant when he refuses to wear nightclothes and (‘ahem’) sleeps in the nude, and again show no alarm if he pulls his mattress from the bed and puts it on the floor to sleep.
During the night he may toss and turn throwing his arm’s in the air and use abusive words in an Eastern language, one word might be ‘Mosquito’, a gentle caressing of the forehead is recommended to soothe him. If being awakened for breakfast he uses expletive language in making known his desire to be left alone, just ignore the language and act normally. This has been his habit for the past month’s and in time he will forget. Should he not await however for any form of awakening, but rush to the bathroom, complete a scanty toilet, dash down the stairs, dressing as he goes and stands on the lawn with his feet astride; gently lead him to the house repeating ‘Stay in bed, dear Father doesn’t want a parade this morning’.
Such treatment will gradually instil into his mind that such things are of the bitter past. If at meal times his manner of using a knife and fork resemble a navvy using a pick and shovel, pay no attention, he will soon realise that he is once more in the company of human beings and not ranks and numbers.
If whilst shopping, he turns on a perfectly respectable shopkeeper and calls him a ‘Black faced robbing ?*t@?i explain to the shopkeeper and get him out of the shop with the minimum of fuss. At times he may request your aid to ‘Debug’ his bed or again he may ask for Vim to ‘Decoke’ his cup. He may also walk round the house with just a towel draped around his loins, he may drop off to sleep at odd times and suddenly awake cursing the climate and murmuring about a cold shower. Just bear with him remembering habits attained under such conditions are hard to break but with gentle handling these tendencies will pass.
Never ask him why the boy down the road has a higher rank than him, and never make praiseworthy remarks about the Army or the R.A.F. whilst in his presence, or he will tell you to keep out or words to that effect!.
If when out walking he howls and raves at the sight of a trim feminine figure and barks at every pretty face, pay him no need just keep him walking. Also remember to keep in mind that beneath his tanned and rugged exterior there beats a heart of gold. Treasure this, it may be all there is left.
Treat him with kindness, tolerance and an adequate amount of beer or other such liquid refreshment and you should then be able to cure this hollow shell of a man and make him as happy and carefree as he was when he left you.
Signed…………………………………………………………………………………………His Divisional Officer
This day of……………(Insert Date)……………………………………………………………